Ok, y’all. I know it has been a while since I have posted but I feel The Lord pressing me to do some writing! My heart is for two people, the women who are longing for babies, and the babies who need a mama! I know what it is like to be the longing mama and I have seen what happens when the love of a mama and daddy enter the life of an orphan!
Many of you may not be aware of our journey from the beginning so here it goes…………
Finally, finally Micah said he was ready! It was a cold December night and we were driving home from a Christmas party when he blurted out, “I think I’m ready to start trying for a baby!” In my shock I stammered an “ok!” I had been praying that God would let me know through Micah when the time was right. I didn’t want to pressure him into anything. I knew parenting was something we both needed to be prepared and ready to do together. I had felt ready for quite some time and I would throw out some hints every now and then to which Micah would reply, “I’m just enjoying our time together right now.” My response was usually something along the lines of, “Well babe I love you and all but I want a baby and my biological clock is ticking here.”
Needless to say, when he said he was ready I was beyond excited! I assumed I would be pregnant in a matter of seconds. I had all the details of our pregnancy announcement planned before we finished our five-minute drive home! Isn’t it fun to plan things out in our minds and hearts? It was so real to me. The joy on our parent’s faces as we would deliver the good news that their first grandchild was coming. Finding out if it would be a girl or boy, maybe both? Oh I had so many things planned already! Little did I know that God’s plan was a lot different than mine. When Micah told me he was ready I just knew that it wouldn’t take long.
A few months went by with no pregnancy and we began to wonder if there was an issue. That’s when the doctor’s visits began. I went to my OBGYN and explained my situation. It was time, we were ready and she needed to find a solution to our problem and I needed to be pregnant, like yesterday! She began a series of blood tests and hormone level tests and all the fun stuff that comes a long with infertility. Some of my hormone levels were off and it appeared I wasn’t ovulating. She put me on a medication called Clomid. We would try this a few times to see if it helped me to ovulate.
It was during the “Clomid year” as we affectionately call it when I thought I was loosing my mind! I had hot flashes and mood swings like you wouldn’t believe! I am surprised Micah is still with me, honestly! That stuff is no joke. After seven rounds of Clomid I had only ovulated or appeared to ovulate one time. By this point my frustration had really started to set in. I was getting angry. Angry and frustrated with myself and with God. Micah was so calm and patient with the whole thing. He kept reassuring me that God was in control and His timing would be perfect. Um, what about my timing? I was frustrated with my body because it wasn’t doing the job it was created to do. God did tell us to go and multiply, right? I was angry with God because He tells me in Psalms 37:4 that if I delight in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. If that was true why was I going through this season of suffering?
Months turned in to more months. I had every test you could think of. Every scan. Every object imaginable shoved into…….well you get the point! One of the tests I had was called a Dye test. The doctor would shoot dye into my fallopian tubes to make sure there are no blockages etc. My doctor told me that everything looked good and that there was a very strong chance of pregnancy following that procedure. Why do they tell you that? Talk about a false sense of hope! I went home from that appointment with a new found sense of optimism and truly believed that I would soon be pregnant! I mean what else could they do to me? This had to be it.
It wasn’t it. Once again I was not pregnant. I even took a pregnancy test this time to be sure. I remember looking at that test and throwing it as hard as I could into the garbage can. I spent most of the rest of that day in my bed crying. Why? Why was God not doing this for me? I had tried to live a good life. I was serving in ministry with my husband. Didn’t that count for something? It was at this point that I decided to try and not think about it for a while. People would say, “you know when you stop trying you will get pregnant.” I secretly held out hope that it was true but it just wasn’t for us. I think people who haven’t dealt with infertility literally have no idea what to say to someone who is living it. They try to say encouraging things but it ends up being discouraging. You know what I’m talking about! We have all heard them.
These were dark days. I would put on a happy face in public but in reality I was shredded on the inside. I was hurting and depressed. I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. My marriage suffered as well as my relationship with God. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. This was not a part of my plan.
It was during this dark, lonely time that the Lord began to show me some things about myself. I thought I wanted the Lord first in every aspect of my life. What He showed me was that I desired to have a baby more than I desired Him. Ouch!!! He showed me that He is for me and not against me. He showed me that He loves me even when I am unlovable. So, I began to praise instead of complain. What began to happen over the course of time is that my heart began to change. I still wanted a baby so badly. I wanted to feel the kick of a baby growing inside me. I wanted to go through all the pregnancy junk that I hear people complain about. I wanted more than anything to be a mommy.
Psalm 103 1-5 says, “Let all that I am praise The Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise His holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He feels my life with good things.”
Let all that I am praise the Lord. All that you are. All of the good, the bad, the ugly. All of the broken, longing pieces of our hearts. Bring it to Him. You want peace? He is peace. You want Joy? He is joy. You want love? He is love. Everything you need is found in Him.
Dear sister, longing mama, YOU are not alone!! Not only does the Lord see and know your heart but there is an army of us. There are so many longing mama’s who know. We know the hurt, the longing, the pain. What I know now is that God really is good! His ways are not our ways. His ways are better!
There will be more posts coming soon! Stay with me and find out how The Lord took me from Barren to Broken!