Wow, so life took off running without me for the last month! I fully intended to do at least one post a week for this “series.” Thankfully things have started to slow down a bit and I actually have a moment to sit at the computer.
I think when we left off before I was in the “clomid year” and had just had a dye test. I didn’t conceive, again. I thought that it may be time to take a break from all the infertility craziness. We decided to try and not think about it for a while and just enjoy each other again. No matter how hard you try to push it out of your mind, it’s always there. Even now as I type this there is still a longing in my heart to experience it all. It was during this “break” when the Lord started whispering some things to my heart. Things that seemed a little scary to me.
My sweet friend was putting together a mission trip to El Salvador to work with orphans. She had already been once and was completely changed by the work she had done there. She asked me to think about going several times. Every time she would ask me I would think of several excuses. One excuse was that there was a really good chance I would be pregnant by the time the trip rolled around. Haha, that makes me chuckle now! Basically I was scared. The timing of the things the Lord had been whispering to me and this trip was scary to me. What was he going to expect from me? What was going to happen to my heart? I was so afraid of going that I actually paid for someone else to go so that I could make myself feel better about not going. Let me just say that when the Lord has something planned for you He makes a way.
About six weeks before the mission team was to leave the person I had paid for had to back out. My dear, sweet and persuasive friend immediately came to me and said, “why is it that you can’t go?” Uhhh, well I had run out of excuses. Clearly I wasn’t pregnant so I couldn’t use that one. “Well, I really don’t have one” was my response. I didn’t have a passport, a game plan or anything necessary to make this trip. Do you know that I got my passport in record time?! When I finally said yes there was so much peace! I got on that plane as one person and came back another. A broken vessel realizing that my little world, my bubble it needed to be popped. A reality that is still as fresh to me today as it was then. Jesus loves the orphan.
When you walk it to an orphanage nursery with babies who have been left on a sidewalk, in trashcans, by streams. Abandoned. Alone, longing, needing that mothers love that I so desired to give. A wreckage happens to your heart. Not a wreckage in a bad way. It’s in a way that The Father reveals something to you that is so close to His heart that you have to keep it sacred. A wreckage that lets you know that you can’t be the same.
When you meet 12 and 13 year old boys who have nothing to their name, not even a ball and all they want is a moment of your attention, something happens. You start to realize that those babies you just loved on, this is where they are headed if you don’t do something. When those boys are crying and chasing your van because you have to leave. Something happens. Why do they cry? Because for a brief moment someone cared about their situation. Someone took a moment to give them a hug, throw a ball, listen to their story. Someone looked them in the eye and said, “in this world you will have trouble, but don’t worry, He has overcome.”
When you see teenage girls who live day in and day out thinking that they will never amount to anything and that it would be impossible for someone to love them. Something happens. A desire happens. A desire to tell them that their is a Father and He knows their name. He knows how many hairs are on their beautiful head and He loves them. Something else happens as you look these girls in the eye. You begin to see your self. The self before He entered your life. The lonely, helpless, broken, longing, shell of a life before He made you whole. Staring that in the face, realizing what He has done for you. Something happens.
When someone runs to you for a bologna sandwich like its a thanksgiving feast, something happens. I sat in the back of a pick up truck piled high with bologna sandwiches and looked in the faces of men, woman and children who spend their days and nights living on the streets of El Salvador. I looked into the faces of children and teenagers addicted to sniffing glue. Why? Because glue is cheap and it takes away your hunger and your troubles. Why? Why was the question I kept asking myself. Why were they born there into that and I was born here in the land of plenty?
When I got home it was very difficult for me to return to the way things were. My thoughts were consumed with the little brown faces that I had fallen in love with. I was ashamed of what I had and how much I had. I was ashamed that this has been going on in the world around me and I had no idea. I was determined to get back there as soon as possible. I begged Micah to let me go back before the school year started and I guess he got tired of it because he finally gave in! I went back for another week that Summer. Again changed and wrecked.
So what is my point in sharing this? Listen, If we are so busy controlling our own life and making excuses for why we are not doing what God wants us to do, how can He teach us anything? When I finally put my fear aside and surrendered to His will He began to teach me things that I never dreamed of. I began to know Him and His heart in a way that I never had before. He revealed pieces of His heart in such beautiful ways.
Give it up. It’s worth it. When you pray for His will to be done and then grab hold of the tail of those words as they try to escape your mouth it is like a slap in the face to your creator God. The one who knows you better than you know yourself. Let Him do his thing. He is much better at it than we are. Believe me, I know from experience!
Whatever you are holding on to right now whether it be fear, anxiety, your will, your womb, your marriage, your scars, the past. Let it go and let Him do what He does. He takes the old and makes it new. He takes the ashes and gives beauty. He takes the barren and makes them broken.
“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.” Isaiah 61:3